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Now that it is finally (hopefully) over, I can relate the events that have occurred to the Clamlord in relative safety to you, my true believers.

Growing up near the clam flats he had heard tales of them, but Gov. Mario Cuomo denied their existence, and Clambo believed him. Unlike others, he had never read or viewed Mario Puzo's "The Godfather." Nor did he ever watch the old television show, "The Untouchables." So Clambo was ignorant of their existence 'till he came to Buffalo and discovered the Western New York Mob.

At first, the clues were subtle. For example, one day while walking down Main Street with his friend Gary, who was still adamant about scrap iron horking being "the move," Clambo passed a boarded-up building next door to a local college bar called P.J.'s. This structure looked so beat and dead that it shocked them both when four men in business suits stepped out from the interior. Gary and Clambo slowed their pace but kept moving. Two of them shook hands with the other pair and harumphed a bit under their breath. They seemed uncomfortable carrying on their conversation in broad daylight. Clambo did catch one sentence though: "Well, harumph, glad we could be of help to you." And with that the two groups went their separate ways. Gary and Clambo thought this odd, but soon forgot about it.

A month later the building burned down, doing some minor damage to P.J.'s bar. It seems that even though the city of Buffalo is revitalizing, it is still more efficient to burn buildings and collect on the insurance than it is to sell it.

The following year, Clambo became roommates with a fellow named Steve, the father of the famous phrase, "Sleep is for Wimps and Old Women." Both the Clamlord and his followers became quite attached such statements, because, as you know, clams don't sleep. Steve was a man with a height as majestic as the Clamlord (6'4"), but with a much greater weight. Together they strode about the halls of the dorm, venerated by all.

Stephen was of Italian decent and came from a town in western New York. Once while visiting there he pointed out the "Polly-O" cheese factory just out of town and told Clambo that it was Mob run. Clambo asked how he knew, and Steve responded simply, "It's common knowledge." Later on, the Clamlord learned that Steve himself had ties to the Mob, and Steve once told him, "If you ever want anyone killed in western New York, just ask me." Of course he reminded Clambo that he would have to have a good reason. Those kind of favours are hard to come by.

Clambo, Steve, and a group of other real men (clams?) had a habit of frequenting a Denny's several times a week and staying up all or most of the night. They would chat and drink coffee (free refills, you know). The most enduring thing beyond the waitresses was the sign outside that stated, "Always Open" as if there was any question. The waitresses were pleasant and cute and Clambo and his friends knew all of them on a first-name basis. The waitresses, however, managed to remember who Clambo was without a nametag.

One waitress in particular took a liking to Clambo. Her name was Debbie. She was enamored to the Clamlord and enjoyed gazing upon his countenance. One night, however, she didn't seem as cheerful as usual, and they inquired why. She told them that earlier in the night a man had slashed the tires on her car, and the police had come and arrested the man. They figured she'd get over it, though, but when they saw her a week later, she told them how some men had served her a summons for harassing the man while he was slashing her tires! Clambo and company were all very confused indeed! Several weeks later, she told them about her court appearance, and how the judge had given her a hard time and inquired where she got her money, and about the $25,000 trust fund that was coming her way when she was 21. But after this haranguing, she was let go.

Clambo couldn't figure out why the judge would behave in such a manner until he journeyed to Denny's alone one night...

(Dramatic Spine-Chilling Music Score)

Clambo sat at the counter alone, husbanding his cup of coffee (he had no intention of breaking his 12 cup record) when Debbie arrived rather unexpectedly, as she was off duty. She spotted him immediately, and came up to chat. Clambo figured they'd have a nice conversation without the other guys around, but, in fact, no clam had ever been more wrong. She told him how her brother was involved in the Mob and how this relation was the cause of her troubles as well as being her provider. In a confession-like style, she told Clambo that she had paid one of her brother's friends $100 to blow up the car of the man who had slashed her tires. Clambo was shocked. Here again was a place where his clam legions were helpless. They simply did not have the power yet to take on an organization such as the Mob (perhaps the military, but not the Mob).

Clambo said, "Why didn't you just have him wire the bomb to the ignition, and you could've killed him as well."

To which Debbie responded, straight-faced, "I didn't think of that."

Clambo was shocked! All he could think about was leaving -- to hell with the free refills! But before he could leave, she started to say more, and his curiosity and courtesy wouldn't allow him to leave. Surely she had no reason to kill the Messiah to the Clams (which, by the way, would be a serious setback to the cause). She told him that when she was 17 she went out with a man who was much older and owned a Greek restaurant. He got her pregnant and refused to pay for the abortion, and mysteriously, his restaurant burned down! All thoughts of dating this woman left Clambo's mind like a scallop scooting along the bottom of the sea. Soon she finished her coffee and left.

Later, Clambo had a conversation with a Buffalonian and discovered that in fact a Greek restaurant of that same name had burned down a few years earlier. Steve had been wanting to move the late night gatherings to Perkins anyway because the coffee was better, cheaper, and the waitresses were cuter. Clambo thought he'd seen the last of Debbie. Again, he was proven wrong.

One night the following year, Clambo was dragged off to Perkins by a group of true believers (including John the Baptist and Enrico Viglino), and on the way there he told the story of "Debbie the Dangerous Waitress," a true Clambo classic. Everyone had a good laugh, but soon we discovered that our waitress was Debbie, herself! She had a disagreement with her boss at Denny's and had quit and found a new job at Perkins. They exchanged greetings, and in a mentally deranged state the Clamlord flirted with her. Luckily, however, he avoided giving her his new address (at least our hero was that smart).

Several months later, Clambo took a date to Perkins and told her the story on the way there. Debbie wasn't there and they had a nice time eating their sundaes. When they were preparing to leave, Clambo spotted Debbie, off duty, kidding around with her co-workers. Clambo struggled with himself, but his insane curiosity won over, and he called out her name. She came over, gave his date an evil "Who's this?" glance and said hi. Clambo asked her what was up and she told him that she was going to get married soon.

Clambo will never be able to explain what came over him at that point, perhaps it was some sort of odd death wish. He opened his mouth and it just came out.

The Clam Messiah said, "Oh, are you going to burn down his house, too?"

Debbie cast Clambo the evilest glance he had ever seen and stormed off to a table that held her tough-looking boyfriend and company. He turned to his date and said, "Let's get out of here." He grabbed the check and paid on his way out.

That was the last time the Clamlord saw Debbie, she doesn't know where he lives, and she never went and asked Steve (not that he would have told her, he knows the deal). It's been 10 months. Clambo feels safe. Sort of.