Untitled Document

It should be quite obvious to any true believer that in order to dominate the world, Clambo could not stay in one country. He would have to venture forth to foreign soil, and communicate with clams around the world. You see, clams move rather slow, and "word of siphon" is not to be trusted. But as true believers, this should already be known to you. So it came to be that Clambo mounted a foray into the great land to the north, the 51st State, Canada (just kidding).

As a freshclam, Clambo's age was insufficient to pass for 21, the legal drinking age in New York State. Canada is actually a foreign country and they let more of the people who vote drink. This of course can create for confusing politics. At any rate, this along with its close proximity to Buffalo, made it the obvious choice for Clambo's second foray into a foreign county, the first being a trip to Tijuana at age 10. Clambo is still annoyed that his father did not buy him a leather gun holster and bandoleer.

And so it was that Clambo entered forth unto the Great White North accompanied by Evan (still in aardvark guise), and someone named Stu. Being intrepid adventurers, this group decided to make their pilgrimage on foot. After taking the subway downtown (walking the whole way proved impractical during an earlier, failed attempt), the band walked over the Peace Bridge that connects Buffalo to Fort Erie, Canada. The journey was made in February, and it was very cold that night high over the Niagara River. Clambo was currently in the process of teaching Evan and other true believers about the mystical powers of the Yo-Yo. Clambo was taught by the 1961 Duncan Yo-Yo champion Tom Parks, a friend of the Clamlord's family. So it was only natural that they brought their Yo-Yo's along.

When they were stopped at customs on the Canadian side of the border, the suspicious-looking bunch was sent to a small trailer for questioning. Clambo and his band were ordered to name their destination (King Edward's Hotel), and their purpose (pleasure). Next, their wallets were emptied, and their identification was examined. Everything seemed to be in order. But then, the Clamlord's coat was searched: He had two pairs of gloves and two hats, a ski mask, and a Yo-Yo. This was all very suspicious, and the toy received a querilous glance. Even more suspicious was the Swiss Army knife Clambo carried on his belt.

Clambo was asked why he carried such an item. He responded truthfully that he was a geologist and he used it to test the hardness of rocks and minerals. As true believers, you should already know what the official said to Clambo. That's right, he said it was "okay".

After Clambo passed the inspection, Stu was next. Stu, being a minor and almost inconsequential part of this tale, did not cause any trouble, and his inspection was over shortly.

Evan, on the other hand, is a major character in this tale, and was therefore destined to cause trouble for our travelers. Evan was carrying a white, stuffed teddy bear in the pocket of his leather jacket. When asked why he carried it, he responded that it was for sentimental reasons. Unimpressed, the official proceeded to squash the toy bear in his hands, undoubtedly looking for narcotics. Evan's face looked crestfallen. Fortunately, though, the bear was not split open with a knife, and was soon back in Evan's pocket.

Upon finding Evan's Yo-Yo, the frustrated customs man just shook his head and said "What, are you guys in a club or something?" Clambo muttered something about how he was teaching Evan, and the man told them they could leave.

The King Edward's Hotel is a part of a group of strip clubs in Fort Erie, Canada, and is only a short walk from the border. In it were some of the most bizarre acts of entertainment Clambo had ever witnessed. First, there was an act for the women customers (what few there were): "Doug, the Fire Eater in a G-String". Then, there were several of the more normal acts, only to be followed by "Tons of Fun". In an effort to maintain the PG rating of this tale, "Tons of Fun" can not be described here, except to say that a very large woman did unspeakable things with portions of her anatomy. It should also be mentioned that Clambo and his band were the only people not whooping and cheering while this was taking place.

After getting mightily intoxicated on several expensive Canadian beers, Clambo and his merry travelers wandered the area before heading back. They happened across a bait vending machine along the street. Yes, that's right: You could purchase frozen minnows and other fish foods from a machine.

It was at this point that Clambo started talking to Evan about how confusing it was that there were two Niagara Falls. He went on to explain how the spelling and subsequent pronunciation had been changed to eliminate this confusion. The Falls in the United States is spelled Niagra, and the one in Canada is spelled Niagara. The Canadian pronunciation is made more distinct by stating the syllables separately, e.g. Nia-gara. The amazing thing is that not only did Clambo manage to convince Evan that this lie was true, but he also managed to convince himself.

On the way back over the bridge, the group stopped in the center. The border had three flags, one Canadian, one American, and a U.N. flag between the two. This, then, was the demilitarized zone between the two feuding nations (well, so what if it's not true, it sounds cool). By standing in this area, a person could be in no country. Even though it was late (3am), they were inebriated, and it was very cold, Clambo and Evan took this opportunity to Yo-Yo in this international zone. Completely infatuated with the whole concept, Clambo also relieved himself into the Niagara River (or is that Niagra?).

Upon arriving at customs on the American side, a sign for pedestrians directed the group into a long, narrow metal building. Here, customs consisted of a young woman studying from a textbook who looked up in shock, saying, "You walked over!?" The group responded in the affirmative and Clambo attempted to pick up the woman, only to fail miserably.

Thus the first major foray into foreign soil was accomplished. While little contact (none, in fact) was made with the bivalves of Canada, valuable reconnaissance on the people of Canada was obtained, proving almost useless on further trips into the land to the north. It would seem that the Canadian people are even weirder than one could possibly imagine.

Perhaps it's the weather.