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After having made the rather foolish mistake of making life decisions while hung over, Clambo moved several hours away (by Clammobile), to Gradual School at the University of Binghamton.

Several years later in a small town in South Carolina, the Grand Leader of the Clams found himself in a conversation with a wise man who said, "All the major life decisions we make come around when we're least able to make them."

Ahhhh... too true.

If Clambo only knew then what he knows now in his advanced stage of enlightenment. But again, I not only digress, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Clambo taught courses in "Physical Geography," "Weather and Climate," and "Map Reading and Interpretation." He was mostly happy with his new environs, although he missed his female companion very much and traveled back to Buffalo frequently. Several weeks into the semester, though, something was to happen which affected Clambo deeply.

Clambo spent his Thursday nights grading papers in his office. (He called it "his," but to be truthful, he shared it with three other people. Clambo has always been kind of "Les Nessman" about "his" office wherever he works.) For several weeks, fellow gradual students stopped in during this time and asked Lord Clambo, "Hey, are you going to Air Photo?" Air Photo Analysis and Interpretation was a class held down the hallway that the Clam King was not enrolled in. Clambo would, of course, reply, "No, I'm not in that class." After going through this ritual several times, Clambo found himself acting irritated, and he vented this emotion on those around him, but they continued to pester him with this ridiculous pattern of behavior.

Clambo had always been told that, "Everyone has a look-alike somewhere." But he had never suspected that a Messiah might be held to the same standards of cosmic foolishness: One day, Clambo bumped into a mirror image of himself in the hallway. Both persons stood 6'4", with a medium build (~190lbs), short light-brown hair parted on the left, and turtle shell glasses. Both Clambos stood in the hallway staring at each other, mouths agape. It turned out that the name of this other fellow was Martin, and that he was a Geography Undergrubby.

To make things worse, one of Clambo's aliases is Mark (You really don't think that he tells everyone that he's the Clam Messiah, do you?). Martin was enrolled in Air Photo. So every week, Clambo's buddies would ask him if he was going to class, and he would say "no," and then they would see the other him, Martin, down the hall.

To make this whole situation worse, Clambo and Martin found themselves in a Fortran Programming class together the following year. Despite the constant jokes, Clambo survived okay. By this time, the Clam King had let his hair grow rather long. Martin had as well. One weekend, Clambo decided that enough was enough and got a haircut. At 8:00 on Monday morning, there was Martin. His hair was cropped as well, same style, same length. Clambo's fellow students started ribbing him incessantly. Clambo shook his fist and said, "Martin, I'm going to kick your ass."

Basically though, Clambo got along famously with his fellow gradual students (20 in all), and Professors (5 or so). He had however developed a habit that annoyed his fellow students to no end. He began most of the plethora of stories he told with the phrase, "I know this guy in Buffalo..."

One of his favorite stories was, "I know this guy in Buffalo named Bart. Bart was a pretty wild fellow, and was proud of the fact that he knew all the strip bars in Buffalo, Fort Erie, Niagra and Niagara. Bart Czyk is Polish, and his major at Buffalo was Polish (really, his major was a language he spoke around the house). Bart's last name is pronounced, "shish" in Polish, it is the name of a goldfinch type bird. One night, Bart was supposed to arrive at Enrico's for a Fantasy Role Playing session (Rolemaster if you must know). Clambo asked, "Is Bart going to show up?" Enrico informed him that Bart had been arrested at the border for gun running. Clambo of course assumed that his foot was being pulled.

It turned out that Hydraxen XXIII was not kidding. Bart had borrowed his friend's van to travel to a Canadian strip bar. At the border, he was asked what was in the back? He said that nothing was in the back. It turned out that Bart's assumption was incorrect. In the back of the Van was $30,000 dollars worth of Assault Weapons and other Rifles. You see, Bart's friend is the owner of a Gun Shop. Bart's friend testified on his behalf and Bart was given a stupid ticket. Bart's sentence was 16 hours of community service: eight hours mowing grass in front of a Courthouse in Canada, and eight hours mowing grass in front of a Courthouse in the United States.

Another story Clambo liked to relate was about the time he moved into a room off-campus in Buffalo previously occupied by someone named Mark (they had an "Out with the Old Mark, In with the New Mark" party). After moving in, Clambo found a list underneath the mattress. It was what looked like a standard "To Do" list, but most days started with the phrase "Get Up." Not only did some days not even have this item, but on some days where it was listed, it wasn't checked off. Even more amusing, the list did not include most of the things Mark really did. It never once listed, "Lay about the house in a robe and smoke pot," or, "annoy my roommates and start pointless arguments."

WAIT, STOP!

Sigh... I digress greatly. I apologize profusely. The Great Lord Clambo would be mightily disappointed in the way I am relating his tale to you, oh, "True believers." I promise to avoid digressing in this manner in the future. Really I do. Time for another intermission.

BRIEF INTERMISSION

<<Sound of many people eating Fudgesicles and drinking Labatt's Beer>>

Clambo's spent much of his free time watching movies, and drinking copious quantities of beer with his fellow gradual students. They studied hard, and when they got together to blow off steam they often wisely chose to stay at home. After several retellings, these evenings developed names. One Saturday, Calvin, Mike Swiniarski ("Swin"), and Clambo spent the entire day at the Department studying. At 11pm, Clambo said, "Let's do something." They raced out to the video store before it closed at midnight. Each person picked a movie: Swin picked "Mutiny on the Bounty," Calvin "The Bedford Incident," and Clambo "Apocalypse Now." Halfway through "The Bedford Incident," Clambo pointed at that these were all boat movies! Henceforth, that night became "Boat Movie Night."

Swin loved all three movie versions of Mutiny on the Bounty, and Calvin and Clambo watched it with him many times. In fact they watched the first version with Clark Gable, "The Mutiny on the Bounty" six times. There are two other versions, "Mutiny on the Bounty," and "The Bounty." Finally they created a drinking game called "The Fletcher Christian Drinking Game." In this game, one had to take a drink anytime an actor said; "Christian," "Fletcher," or "Fletcher Christian." According to Clambo, this gets rather rough about 10 minutes into the film, when "Fletcher Christian" is introduced to everyone on the Bounty. That night, their friend Mary stopped by with someone named Edie. A very drunk Clambo asked if she was from Tahiti. Therefore this became the "Edie from Tahiti" night. I believe you have the idea by now.

After breaking up with his female companion during his first year at school (Clambo often states that this had something to do with her not wanting to have a fifth kid, among other things), Clambo spent way too much time of his second year in gradual school watching movies and drinking beer. He moved into a house with two people that worked in video stores. Clambo was able to rent all the movies that he wanted for free. Clambo has even heard a joke that described this year:

"I once heard that the best way to meet women is to do something you like. That way, when you meet a woman, you'll have something in common. So I spent a year drinking beer and watching movies, and I didn't meet any women."